I just read last night's post, and realized that I sounded pretty pessimistic. In order to show everyone that I'm not, well, at least, I'm not about 25% of the time, I've decided to list all of my favorite things in no particular order!
1- Florida Natural Fruitsnacks. If you haven't had them, try them. 2 weight watcher points for 3 bags of them! Be careful, though. They're 100% juice, and if you eat too many of them at once (I've found my limit is 5 packs) they'll rip your mouth up from the acid in them. Target used to carry them, but now I can only find them at Von's (the only item I will purchase at that overpriced skag-market)
2- Smith's. Every quarter, (or every three months, for you non admin-types) they send out $5 off coupons just for using their card! I haven't seen any other supermarket do this, and the other coupons they send are really good. Being that Diet Coke (also on my favorite things list!) is usually upwards of $4 for 12 pack, I nearly always have a free coupon for that, in addition to a $1.50 off coupon for an additional, which I freaking love. Smith's also usually has the lowest prices out of all of the markets. Anybody that saves me money is going to be my friend, and any store that gives me awesome deals is going to be frequented.
3- E-Mails. Now I'm not talking about the viagra perscriptions, notices from corporate that the network is going to be down, free iphone offers, etc., I'm talking about honest to God, real e-mails. Particularly ones from agents I've queried, and people giving me compliments. (Or sending me coupons!) E-mail is what makes me look busy at work. You hear clacking away on a computer, someone's got to think you're diligently working, right? Probably not, but it makes me feel important.
4- Tyra Banks. Joel McHale can say whatever he wants about her, but I love her to pieces. I've never gotten to meet her in person, but she seems like a celebrity that is just really down to earth, and actually wants to get out there in the middle of her fans. Most of the stuff she talks about is superficial fluff, but, hell, it's most of the stuff I talk about, too. I think I might like Tyra even more than Oprah (dear God, no!) because she is more like me. I'm not a deep person. Sure, I care about the environment, I feel bad for kids in Africa, I don't like what the Chinese are doing to Tibet... but... the fact is, I spend more time thinking about how my ass looks in a pair of pants and what movies are coming out this weekend. Tyra seems to understand this, and she makes no judgements on all of us superficialites. Oprah makes me hate myself just a little bit.
5- James Marsden. He's just hot.
6- Broadway. About 90% of my ipod is showtunes. My music needs to tell me a story. The best ones are The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (bought purely for the title, listened to because, well, it's awesome) Little Shop of Horrors, Rent, Avenue Q (so not work appropriate), Chicago, and Wicked.
7- White Jasmine Incense. It's the only incense I burn while I work on Pomegranate Seeds. The smell is so intertwined with my characters, I literally can't think if I don't have it.
8- Diet Coke Plus. Diet Coke, as we all know, is evil, but Diet Coke Plus, well, that has vitamins and minerals. It's good for you, right?
9- South Park. Their social commentary is genius, it's hilarious, and, well, go look at #6. They do a lot of songs.
10- Matt the Weight Watcher Leader. He always has an upbeat, positive attitude, he has the creepy ability to remember anyone and everyone he crosses paths with, and he's helped me lose 60 pounds. What's not to like? Well, he does invalidate #6 a little bit. He makes us sing sometimes. While I'll sing in my car, I don't like to do it where people can hear me.
11- Nigerian Princes. They're willing to give you tons of money if you just empty your bank account, and fly to Nigeria to pick them up. How simple is that?!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Things that make me sick
So I already posted this article on facebook, but I need to expand on my thoughts on this a little.
http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/null/101746
What the hell kind of parents let their kid drop out to play video games professionally? Do they want to make a real life 40 year old virgin?! That guy had friends, at least, so I think they still have a lot of hard work ahead of them. I don't have kids, so, obviously, I don't really know how to raise one, but this just screams idiocy to me! Did they think that maybe the kid has no social skills because they let him sit in his room all day "perfecting his craft"?! When I become a parent, you can bet your ass I'm going to be a PARENT, not a friend. I'm not even going to be a cool parent. No underage drinking parties at my house, so I can 'keep an eye on everyone', that shit needs to be done in the woods, with a stolen beer or two, just like we did when I was a teenager, where your parents don't know about it.
Something else that just makes me want to bitch slap parents. It's getting to be that time of year again, Halloween! While it's my favorite holiday by far, I canNOT condone the "teen" costumes. Some of them are no more than a neglige and a cape! Yeah, I'm going to send my 15 year old daughter out to a party dressed as SuperHOro. If I had one, but you get what I mean. I'm so sick of the 'heiress' factor. Why is this country regressing to the 1800's, where your worth is decided on how much money your parents had? At least back then, the girls covered up their prepubescent bodies. Their parents also sold them off to the highest bidder, I wonder when that's going to come back en vogue?
Completely on topic, but unrelated to idiot parents, in the vein of things that make me sick, is cottage cheese. I've been trying and trying and trying to like it. I mix it with ranch packets (the staple seasoning in my apartment) pineapples, strawberries, even chocolate. Nothing will ever make curdled milk that squelches as you pour it from the container appealing. And all those people who are all 'oh, I love it, I have a quarter cup with my slice of grapefruit and decaf earl grey every morning' are liars. The grapefruit clinches that one. Grapefruit tastes like your mouth after you've been puking up Smirnoff Ice for the last hour.
Don't get me wrong, though. Grapefruit has its place. As candy. It's sort of like tomatoes, I hate them, but I love marinara and salsa. You have to mix in enough shit with grapefruit to completely negate any healthy benefits it may afford you.
There's nothing you can mix in with cottage cheese to ever make it good, though. Trust me, I notice when you add that shit in to lasagne. It's not cool.
http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/null/101746
What the hell kind of parents let their kid drop out to play video games professionally? Do they want to make a real life 40 year old virgin?! That guy had friends, at least, so I think they still have a lot of hard work ahead of them. I don't have kids, so, obviously, I don't really know how to raise one, but this just screams idiocy to me! Did they think that maybe the kid has no social skills because they let him sit in his room all day "perfecting his craft"?! When I become a parent, you can bet your ass I'm going to be a PARENT, not a friend. I'm not even going to be a cool parent. No underage drinking parties at my house, so I can 'keep an eye on everyone', that shit needs to be done in the woods, with a stolen beer or two, just like we did when I was a teenager, where your parents don't know about it.
Something else that just makes me want to bitch slap parents. It's getting to be that time of year again, Halloween! While it's my favorite holiday by far, I canNOT condone the "teen" costumes. Some of them are no more than a neglige and a cape! Yeah, I'm going to send my 15 year old daughter out to a party dressed as SuperHOro. If I had one, but you get what I mean. I'm so sick of the 'heiress' factor. Why is this country regressing to the 1800's, where your worth is decided on how much money your parents had? At least back then, the girls covered up their prepubescent bodies. Their parents also sold them off to the highest bidder, I wonder when that's going to come back en vogue?
Completely on topic, but unrelated to idiot parents, in the vein of things that make me sick, is cottage cheese. I've been trying and trying and trying to like it. I mix it with ranch packets (the staple seasoning in my apartment) pineapples, strawberries, even chocolate. Nothing will ever make curdled milk that squelches as you pour it from the container appealing. And all those people who are all 'oh, I love it, I have a quarter cup with my slice of grapefruit and decaf earl grey every morning' are liars. The grapefruit clinches that one. Grapefruit tastes like your mouth after you've been puking up Smirnoff Ice for the last hour.
Don't get me wrong, though. Grapefruit has its place. As candy. It's sort of like tomatoes, I hate them, but I love marinara and salsa. You have to mix in enough shit with grapefruit to completely negate any healthy benefits it may afford you.
There's nothing you can mix in with cottage cheese to ever make it good, though. Trust me, I notice when you add that shit in to lasagne. It's not cool.
In the beginning...
So I've begun my search for "the perfect agent" (IE- someone who says yes and won't charge me for it until I get to put a copy of my ms on my bookshelf, preferably hardcover, with a pretty picture and a cover price of about $20)
My first hurdle has been the query letter. Oh, I went to sites, looked up 'the perfect example', I even slightly plagerized the Good Fiction Query Letter from Writers Market, but felt guilty and went back and changed the wording. I think I got it just perfect. My happy ass goes to agents' websites, finds out their submission guidelines, and jumps right in.
Then I found, the now dark, Miss Snark blog. I did it all wrong. ALL WRONG. I was simpering, flattering, and, generally idiotic. Looking back at it, I wish I had the flexibility to shove my own foot up my ass. My happy ass is now a sad ass.
But I am solidering on! Granted, I haven't gotten any 'no' replies back, but with that query letter... seriously. I'm just mad at myself that I already sent it to my 'dream agent', Jodi Reamer. Stupid, stupid me. Maybe she'll shred it and give some hamsters some nice, soft bedding. Either that or she'll stamp "dumbass" across it and send it back in my SASE (thank GOD I remembered to do that!)
One good thing I have found in my search for agents, is a whole new reading list. I was looking through Laura Rennert's list of authors, and found Christina Meldrum's 'Madapple'. Freaking amazing. It also spurred me back into my writing for a little more editing. It's amazing what clarity you get on your work when you take a few days away from it to spend time watching mind-numbing (Pineapple Express) movies.
It's also made me realize the book I'm peddling, 'Pomegranate Seeds', doesn't quite fit into the YA category. I'm probably going to push it as Commercial Fiction, now, but for some reason, that scares me. Commercial Fiction seems too... big for me. Too general, I suppose, but then, it is a way to get more readers.
The Offending Letter, full of puke worthy crap:
September 3, 2008
Phil McKracken
Dear Mr. Kracken:
My 100,000-word novel, Pomegranate Seeds, is a love story in the same vein as Meg Cabot and Christina Meldrum. With the young adult market today, there are more and more readers looking for the unusual. With the avalanche of vampire, witch, and shape-shifter books that have flooded the shelves, I believe that religion is an area that has been left unexplored. After taking a look at some of the books you have gotten published, I believe that my story, which runs on the religious / supernatural, will be a good addition to your collection.
Essentially, there are three basic principles that nearly every religion is based on. 1: Treat other people well and live a good life, 2: A major event had to happen to bring creation into existence, and, finally, 3: There will be punishment if you don’t follow #1. These three principles are the basis for Pomegranate Seeds.
God began to feel pity for the fallen angels about 1,500 years ago, so he decreed that they, who are now known as demons, might attempt redemption if they can live a faithful, sinless life on Earth. When they heard of this, stirrings of jealousy rippled through the angels in Heaven. They also wanted to live a life as a human; it seemed like the ultimate adventure for creatures that could not die. God granted them their request, but on one condition: If they did not live pure lives on Earth, they would be cast into Hell, as demons. This story, told from the perspectives of Elijah, an angel, Korbin a demon, and Haleigh, a human. Former friends, now sworn enemies, Haleigh is the human girl who gets caught between Elijah and Korbin when they meet on Earth for the first time since their falling out. When Haleigh learns of an ancient burden she carries, the three of them- along with another angel, and a half-breed- must work together to save existence as we know it from a disgruntled band of demons.
Although I have enjoyed writing for many years, I have never pursued publication. The only credential I have is a wide selection of young adult novels that are dog-eared and falling apart from being well loved, sitting on the bookshelf next to my bed. I whole-heartedly believe that if you write about what you love, it shines through your words and into the minds of your audience.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for taking the time to consider adding Pomegranate Seeds to your impressive collection of titles. At this time, I have not sent query letters to any other agents or publishers, though I will be contacting a few in the coming weeks. I hope that you enjoy reading my novel as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Respectfully,
Katy Kellogg
And to top it all off, I didn't even sign it.
My first hurdle has been the query letter. Oh, I went to sites, looked up 'the perfect example', I even slightly plagerized the Good Fiction Query Letter from Writers Market, but felt guilty and went back and changed the wording. I think I got it just perfect. My happy ass goes to agents' websites, finds out their submission guidelines, and jumps right in.
Then I found, the now dark, Miss Snark blog. I did it all wrong. ALL WRONG. I was simpering, flattering, and, generally idiotic. Looking back at it, I wish I had the flexibility to shove my own foot up my ass. My happy ass is now a sad ass.
But I am solidering on! Granted, I haven't gotten any 'no' replies back, but with that query letter... seriously. I'm just mad at myself that I already sent it to my 'dream agent', Jodi Reamer. Stupid, stupid me. Maybe she'll shred it and give some hamsters some nice, soft bedding. Either that or she'll stamp "dumbass" across it and send it back in my SASE (thank GOD I remembered to do that!)
One good thing I have found in my search for agents, is a whole new reading list. I was looking through Laura Rennert's list of authors, and found Christina Meldrum's 'Madapple'. Freaking amazing. It also spurred me back into my writing for a little more editing. It's amazing what clarity you get on your work when you take a few days away from it to spend time watching mind-numbing (Pineapple Express) movies.
It's also made me realize the book I'm peddling, 'Pomegranate Seeds', doesn't quite fit into the YA category. I'm probably going to push it as Commercial Fiction, now, but for some reason, that scares me. Commercial Fiction seems too... big for me. Too general, I suppose, but then, it is a way to get more readers.
The Offending Letter, full of puke worthy crap:
September 3, 2008
Phil McKracken
Dear Mr. Kracken:
My 100,000-word novel, Pomegranate Seeds, is a love story in the same vein as Meg Cabot and Christina Meldrum. With the young adult market today, there are more and more readers looking for the unusual. With the avalanche of vampire, witch, and shape-shifter books that have flooded the shelves, I believe that religion is an area that has been left unexplored. After taking a look at some of the books you have gotten published, I believe that my story, which runs on the religious / supernatural, will be a good addition to your collection.
Essentially, there are three basic principles that nearly every religion is based on. 1: Treat other people well and live a good life, 2: A major event had to happen to bring creation into existence, and, finally, 3: There will be punishment if you don’t follow #1. These three principles are the basis for Pomegranate Seeds.
God began to feel pity for the fallen angels about 1,500 years ago, so he decreed that they, who are now known as demons, might attempt redemption if they can live a faithful, sinless life on Earth. When they heard of this, stirrings of jealousy rippled through the angels in Heaven. They also wanted to live a life as a human; it seemed like the ultimate adventure for creatures that could not die. God granted them their request, but on one condition: If they did not live pure lives on Earth, they would be cast into Hell, as demons. This story, told from the perspectives of Elijah, an angel, Korbin a demon, and Haleigh, a human. Former friends, now sworn enemies, Haleigh is the human girl who gets caught between Elijah and Korbin when they meet on Earth for the first time since their falling out. When Haleigh learns of an ancient burden she carries, the three of them- along with another angel, and a half-breed- must work together to save existence as we know it from a disgruntled band of demons.
Although I have enjoyed writing for many years, I have never pursued publication. The only credential I have is a wide selection of young adult novels that are dog-eared and falling apart from being well loved, sitting on the bookshelf next to my bed. I whole-heartedly believe that if you write about what you love, it shines through your words and into the minds of your audience.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for taking the time to consider adding Pomegranate Seeds to your impressive collection of titles. At this time, I have not sent query letters to any other agents or publishers, though I will be contacting a few in the coming weeks. I hope that you enjoy reading my novel as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Respectfully,
Katy Kellogg
And to top it all off, I didn't even sign it.
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